so much

i really miss being 12 sometimes. but only for a moment. i took it back already. as we drove past my favorite neighborhood in town today i imagined myself pulling into the gated community. i didn’t have the dreams and desires that i do now when i was 12. life was easier then, but i didn’t have any goals and though sometimes i think i have too many goals, i’d rather have a million unreachable goals than none at all. i’m sitting here thinking about this. thinking i can reach the impossible. thinking about how i’m going to reach my goals. thinking about how i’m going to make my dreams come to life. thinking about how i’m going to live in a half million dollar house within 2 years. but realizing even at 6’3″ i’m too short. even my long arms can’t reach them. not without God. i love to tell myself i can do the impossible. i can’t. i’ve tried. i have to have God. i’m tired of trying to do stuff without his help. it happens often. i forget he’s the one who gives me all my ideas. all my projects. why would he give them to me and not help me follow through? i don’t think┬áhe would. i worry about how i’m going to pull something off. it seems impossible, and without asking for help from God i would rather just give up, or do something else. but what he’s given me is too great to bury and let rot. i’ll remember to ask and listen. i didn’t really know what i was going to write about. i’m glad we had this talk.

ak

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